Ten Commandments For Dating My Daughter
10 Commandments for dating my daughter, by pastor Doug Giles of Commandments for My Daughter's Potential Boyfriends" Poster - The Patriot Depot. “Our friends are scared of you, dad.” My daughters told me that when I fetched them from school one day. I had commented that their friends. Father's 10 Commandments when dating his daughter.
Actually, you should expect nothing from me in the way of the warm and fuzzies. Thou had better have a life. My wife and I have worked our tails off providing a good life for our girls; therefore, you better have one, Spanky.
You must have something positive going on in that thing you call a life. Additionally, you must be pursuing said noble goal at Mach2 with your hair on fire.
Do not under any circumstance hang all over my daughter, fondle my daughter or soul kiss my kid until you have a wedding ring on her finger, a joint checking account and MMA at Wachovia—or I will shove your Justin Timberlake backside off my 3rd floor balcony first chance I get, capisce?
Thou shall look me in the eye, shake my hand like a man and turn off your cell phone. I want eye contact.
The Ten Commandments for My Daughter’s Potential Boyfriends
I want you to see my soul, son. I want to look you in the eye when I communicate things regarding my girls and their lives. So, take the shades off, Hollywood. In addition, if and when I extend my hand, grab it like you mean it. Thou shall understand that you are a boy talking to a man. I am at least twice your age.
- The Ten Commandments for My Daughter’s Potential Boyfriends
I faced down too-many-to-count charging wild boar. I am a Neanderthal. Thou shall know that our family is old school. Understand that if you're dumb enough to tell me a dirty joke, I'm comfortable enough with kicking your butt. I'm not one of your thug buddies you can go down the gutter with. I want maturity when you are around my family.
If you say you're going to do something, then I expect you to do it. Do not come into my house with earrings, a grill, or over sized pants with your butt cleavage hanging out.
10 commandments for dating my teenage daughters | Inquirer Lifestyle
If I have to talk to you, you had better know as much about as many things as possible. I'm looking for a sacrificial dude who doesn't mind getting his hands dirty in helping around the house, in our community, in our nation and with our wonderful world. If you, young man, obey all the words written here, then and only then will you have a chance with my babies.
Now, go get me a beer. When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds. Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad.
Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best ot make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. I call them the Ten Commandments For Dating My Daughters If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this.
The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
10 commandments for dating my teenage daughters
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.
If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.
The camouflaged face at the window is mine. My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these from memory. I'd be embarrassed too--there are only ten of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive. I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate - ink washes off - and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run throught the drill a few dozen times she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy.